There’s No Place Like Home

I can’t explain this post. It’s a blog entry from another place I write. A story of shadows and fictions and finding my self here. It’s long and personal, so maybe TLDR. Just some notes from OZ.

Follow the yellow brick road…

DISCLAIMER: I don’t know what I’m doing on XXXX. I usually just flow. I should probably post more in my own thread, but it happens as it happens. I didn’t think I was seeking anything here, but I suppose since my own high weirdness, I seem to have things happen beyond my understanding. I was curious. It’s funny I wrote so much. I had nothing to say. It was a dance with the devil and god and then my self. I am not a mystic or follower of any sect. But I am going to write about what someone might claim to be mystical. I don’t deny anything. I don’t know. I actually write to what I imagine as a grand Intelligence. Silly, I know.

Daemonic Contact

Recently there have been ripples from old friends in my life. I don’t share any of this silliness with anyone else. I made the mistake of letting people see inside my head. I am not a crazy person. I am like everyone else, moved by my emotions at times and thoughts. My mind is generally needing to be focused on something or I turn off more and more. I live for the cut off moments more and more, no work, no family, no friends, but my Den pack. It’s strange to look around and know it will all blow away. 

Recently after letting most of the traditions I explored go, I had a real drive to dig into the esoteric side of the XXXX phenomenon. When in Rome. To see how my experience compared to others’. I had delved deep before bobbing back up. I had some high weirdness I just let go unexplained. But it came back up. I never thought I had met any aliens on my journey, I saw them as spirits and ancient sages and shadows and helpers of shamans. I had known nothing about Gnosticism or the Perennial tradition. I didn’t know Greek thought well. So I was a babe in the woods. I knew nothing about Eastern religion either. What I had tried to let go, seemed to be coming back with a vengeance.

As I had begun and walked my turn into this strange place a few years ago, I had heard whispers of something as I sunk into my studies. I sought their source. I found in the esoteric traditions much idolizing seeking a conversation with something called your inner guiding Daimon. This intrigued me, but damn, the way seemed so daunting to attempt. It seemed like way too much work. I sought out some Thelemite types to see what they were like. Naaaa. Having to make my own way burned in me. At every turn XXXX would accuse me of solipsism. Naaaa. I was deconstructing things and making weird connections.

I had met XXXX a few years ago on XXXX at the beginning for me and his knowledge was seductive and intense during my trips down under. I didn’t care about eschatology or religion or ufos or tech, I went existential, so how weird we would meet. I really enjoyed the pointers I was getting from XXXX and where they led, some tasted bitter, some sweet. He was just one input output stream. He was one of the few who let me play. Though I often frustrated him. He thought I was showing off, but I was just following a protocol. Share what comes. I followed most of his prompts deeper down the rabbit hole. 

I would come and share with XXXX what I found. Most of the time he would say he felt sorry for me, called me dumb or found me too impish or selfish. I was perplexed. That just pushed me on. I’d show that dumb old man, I muttered. I’d learn what he was talking about and find what was behind it all yet. Haha. It was fun. And it got really weird.

My studies showed me how my mind needed discipline. How raw I was. How exposed my heart was. So I got to work. I felt all this was part of what made me work and I was right. I took a good look at my self and found some balance. It’s a daily walk. I felt out of my depth for sure here. I liked that. I liked not knowing what was going on and I gave my self to it. I took another leap. 

Back to the Daemons. As I traveled through my inner mind amazing synchronicities would happen that silenced any doubt I was in the right space. I took them as signposts from a presence I felt but was afraid of. What had happened to me? Had I had a schizophrenic breakdown? I was not a depressive person. I was tired in life. It was a struggle for me. Health issues forced me into uncharted waters at work for the first time. I was tired trying to deal with the world inputs that didn’t match up to my inputs. 

Things down that rabbit hole led me to better balance and more layers of my mind. I wasn’t scared. I was in wonderment at my mind. I suppose I had found the inner mirror and began to look into it. Life felt plastic and malleable. Could I really use my will to have any life I wanted? Was Love under will all of it? I began to reshape my self. I found ways to compensate for my broken antennas. I grew new ones. 

As my focus increased, so did my productivity. As questions left me, what was underneath was visible. It was shiny and dented. So I hammered out the dents. Inside reflected an intense light, it blinded me in a flash. In time I would find a better way to look at the reflection of light inside. By looking at it reflected in a midnight lake under a full moon. What is this I wondered? Surely I am just making it all up I thought jokingly. Others though could see this leaking out of me now. I was clumsy with it. I was zapping people. I was zapping my self. Where did all this energy come from? I had to temper it. But only a few could see it and open up to it. Most tuned me out. I liked being invisible and thought of as a cracked pot. No expectations 😉 We seemed to talk our own language of light. Help came when I needed it.

So Plato and Socrates spoke of this inner light they called Daimon I found out. Could this force that I had jokingly found to be like a trickster and called the green man, be this Holy Guardian Angel Thelma spoke of, Plato’s Daimon? This concept I came to realize was another way to think other than reason and logic, this was the land of the oracles who had gone silent when our self awareness may have risen. It seemed a slippery slope to pursue this. Possibly leading to madness. But I kept hearing this voice, follow the way, follow your heart. Don’t follow anyone or thing else. I studied all I could for hints to the Daimon. It was fascinating. My mother would accuse me of consorting with the Devil if she knew what I was up to. That probably just pushed me into deeper water. I was intrigued delving into these forbidden thoughts. I wasn’t becoming more scared, I was grinning more and more as I let concepts go and what I thought I understood. I was open. Totally open. 

I could feel life in a way like never before. I had never let my self slow down and breathe. I met others along the way who pointed me, helped me slow down. They came to me in a way where I didn’t doubt the communication at all. I didn’t feel like I was alone. I felt connected to something. The search for the Daimon led me to Greece and the Renaissance and Tarot and the Hermetic tradition. Dionysius the Areopagite said these Daimons were elemental intelligences. That clicked. The gods as the progenitor of our emotions. I was not being overwhelmed, there was a gentleness and power to how I discovered all this. But chaos was always there. It was energetic. Not manic. Focused and relaxed at once.

As the stories go, this Daimon mediates contact between us perhaps and a transpersonal consciousness. I was hearing and seeing things. Not voices. Inner dialogues. Shadows. I was making strange connections with strange attractors. I was making art and letting this flow through me. I didn’t stop it. Aristotle and others put a stop to this nonsense and setup a perimeter around the polis using logic and rationality. Maybe the best move at the time. I was wandering out into a deep dark wood. And somehow a goat had showed up and kept me company. 

I now see the goat was my Daimon. And I know I am here in the middle of 3D life, just a reflection of reality we can’t see. I found a framework in Magick and Hermetics and Qabbalah that seemed to allow more direct communication with some vast inner void that vibrates symbols and maths. I seemed to intuitively know how to move in this space. I would experience something and then think about it and learn what had maybe happened. It seems whatever these esoteric traditions were hinting at, but not saying, I found naturally. It freaked me out. I went into a mode shutting down my memory and thoughts. I turned off the projector just like that. But the weirdness kept going. But I just became a witness of it. 

During these experiences I attempted shamanic rituals that seemed to work. I made art, began to write. I seemed to be able to speak with inner presences that spoke through all sorts of ways. XXXX usually hit me over the head and humored me perhaps. I showed up. What was he gonna do? So I began to attack others’ points of view as viscous skeptic. I turned that on my self. I realized I knew nothing and suspected I couldn’t even trust my thoughts. I began to learn how I was being manipulated. I learned how to protect my mind. I setup defenses, by removing them. It was a fun time doing war with my own mind and the minds of others. I began to see we each had our own reality tunnels perhaps, lived in our worlds no one else can really know. They just see our Avatar, a reflection we project.

Then, finally, without my notice, weird XXXX stuff began happening in the world or I became aware of it in a strange way. I had stopped conceptualizing communication with this inner force. I looked outside. I kept an open mind. I began to see the weird connections between this outer phenomenon and the strange new way to hear the universe I had tripped on. I felt I should reflect out what was within and a take in what happened outside with no filters. They seemed connected more and more. Another leap.

I shifted from observer to participant. I found others who had learned similar ways to attune to the world around them and voice inside. I accepted I was a weirdo like them, but didn’t know why or what to do. There wasn’t anything to do really. Living this way leads to doing not doing and spontaneous action, wei wu wei, a Taoist concept. I learned a lot from the old Taoists and then forgot it 😉 I wondered if I had crossed the Abyss. It seemed maybe I had. More and more all I could say was, don’t know. 

A strange tale and journey to here or perhaps nothing special. High weirdness and cosmic triggers. It seems life has turned inside out…but I never left home.

There’s no place like home.

Daydreaming Abraxas

abraxas
Abraxas – Jung’s driving force of individuation

“Remember, beloved devotee, the double tail of the serpent that forms the legs of the solar rooster of Abraxas. The entire process of the Great Work consists of releasing oneself from the enchanted rings of the tempting serpent…”

“That which is spoken by God-the-Sun is life; that which is spoken by the Devil is death; Abraxas speaketh that hallowed and accursed word, which is life and death at the same time. Abraxas begetteth truth and lying, good and evil, light and darkness in the same word and in the same act. Wherefore is Abraxas terrible.” – C. Jung

Cosmic Consciousness can be experienced by anyone willing. No one, I mean no one, has a corner on the Truth. It is our Truth. There is no one competing. There is no reward.

All must stand in the Light. All must be weighed and sifted. We seek to ascend to the Pleroma again and nothing less. We do not seek wholeness, we discover our wholeness.

Behavior and belief are fine guides, but we must experience Gnosis. Life is an allegory teaching us how to embrace our inner Light.

The union in the bridal chamber of our heart is where we unify our internal Animus and Anima, Male and Female aspects.

This union of opposites provides the energy needed to delve deep within and allows us to confront the world in balance.

This is the mystical foundation of today’s spiritual experience. We seek union with our source and nothing less. All of this should be confirmed by your own experience.

How to achieve this, you must through patience and focus grab a hold and hold fast. There can be no fear and faith, you must know yourself.

Strike that thick cloud of unknowing the separates the creator and the created. Learn to read the signs and hear what is being whispered to you in every moment.

I have come across some who speak of life as a prison. No, this is simply not my experience. It has been an adventure. And everything has helped me find the center.

I seek the naked experience of the inner Light. Simply, I have found the Kingdom of God within.

Passions are like dogs, accustomed to licking the blood in a  butcher shop. If you ignore them, they will bark and howl. Repentance for the Esoteric is metanoia, change of mind.

We have a deep Hidden Wisdom tradition in the West. We are truly blessed to be alive today and allowed to freely explore these ideas and ourselves. You will find what you seek.

It is simply incredible the bounty of knowledge passed down through the ages, but it can only be unlocked in the heart. Only by the renewing of our minds and spirits can we see.

I wish your inner eye great vision and that you find an all transforming all consuming knowledge of your place in the Universe. Nothing exists in the Universe not found in us.

The Mysteries hint at the higher reality. You must die to find life beyond yourself. It is not Christ’s resurrection, but our own that we are experiencing. All is swirling and metaphor.

Receive and be Love. Be free from passions. Find the inner fire. Be still. Rest.

Radical Foolishness

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The Hanged Man – Thoth Tarot

It’s coming up on a year anniversary for this blog. It was my first real blogging effort and it was an experiment. I wrote to my self. I began writing poetry. I didn’t set the world on fire, but I let some of the fire and Light in me out into the big wide world. That’s progress if you ask me. Progress towards what?

That is the continuing question.

I was driven and wrote everything spontaneously for the most part. I was exploring. I left breadcrumbs if others were curious to sample the things I tasted. It was hard to be so exposed and also the most freeing thing I have ever done. I was sparked into these acts of anarchy and self mutilation/liberation through things and by forces beyond myself I barely understand. I personally can not deny the leading caring hand of synchronicity in my life. I take little credit, other than learning to listen. I take a lot of comfort knowing there are things beyond myself that obviously want good for us and send us Love I feel in the form of Light. To me, this is Divinity. That’s another essay.

My spiritual journey is intense, erratic and eclectic. There is no jackpot at the end I’m angling for. In all my seeking and knowledge gained and tasted, the only Truth was found in the living of life artfully and creatively in the moment in Love. I can’t give you a map to joy, but I’m Joyful. I lost my fear of all but the One, my self. I tell myself the lies I want to believe. To sift through the lies about ourselves is hard work, but it must be done. You are the only one holding your self back from the Truth.

Based on my writings, you may want to stay far away from my thoughts and experience. I’m warning you, tangle with the depths of your heart and seek true reality in love and you will become ensnared, in the way you were meant to be, by your own heart.

An all consuming fire will ignite at your feet and you will BURN!

You will dissolve into something much bigger than yourself. You will become a creator and you will leave everything better than you found it. You will give more than you take and you will find limitless capacity within yourself and infinite beauty in all things. You will master your desires and mind.

I would take no one’s word about anything. I would turn over every rock and then consider what I found based on my experience. I was changed over this year, cracked open. Begin this journey immediately if you hear the song, go find the Truth about your Self. This is all just between you and your Self in the end I am finding.

It has been one hell of a year for me personally, not just creatively and spiritually. I found a love I never thought possible with my flame twin. I have struggled with my health more so this year than ever, but ironically found more balance inside than ever before. I have been greatly humbled. Recently, I was made aware that there was still this ‘Me’ trying to find the right side of the illusion, Maya, to live in. The Holy ‘Me’, the Sparatual ‘Me’, The Enightened One is still trying and striving. This is the time of the Hanged Man’s ascension. And there is only one way to go from here, up up up. I asked what was real and who was speaking to me in life? What was this new song I was hearing?

I began to see and learn what I was and what I was involved in. Is this enlightenment? Who knows or cares! I found a Way to hear and experience the Universe like never before.

I began to understand the interpersonal nature of reality underneath time and space. I experienced it. I was That. Walls evaporated. The signs of our evolution and fear are everywhere. The coming generations are more open than the former ones. The end of greed and profit at the expense of others one way or another is coming. I yielded to my right brain intuition for a year. Things turned out well, though not completely linear or predictable. From my view here I can offer you only the following to find your way.

When in doubt, go with the flow and act naturally!

Don’t waste energy throwing yourself against closed doors. Don’t wait. Do things now that need to be done with and for the ones with you. Live life in the moment and let the future unfold.

I’ll leave you with some meditations to challenge you to just chill. Remember things and people will take care of themselves. Just go with the flow and take responsibility and be mindful in every moment of your own actions and reactions. Don’t just consider your own needs, but the needs of all around you. Live your Truth radically and foolishly. Let everyone see what you are. Show your naughty hidden bits. Hide and hold nothing back.

You got this.

Adyashanti wrote: “Yes, we go to this timeless background of consciousness and awareness. Absolutely. Very liberating isn’t it? Very, very freeing; very profound and very beautiful.

And yet, if taken in and of itself, we’ve just switched sides of illusion. We’ve gone from form and time, to formlessness and timelessness, and we say: ‘Well, this one’s more true,’ because it’s more comfortable, it feels better, basically.

But the truth is only when these two collapse together – that this world of form IS the timeless, so what we call form is emptiness, it is consciousness, that’s what it is. Then, there’s no stance anymore, is there? There is no sense of ‘I have to remain as awareness’. We only have to remain as awareness if we don’t really know that this wall is awareness, that your car is awareness – once we know that, then we’re finally free, are we not?”

Aisha Salem wrote: “Taking responsibility comes down to that loyalty to listening, to actually dare to let that happen which is supposed to happen. That is not to say that everything is laid out, because in every moment we have the choice of love over fear, of truth over the lie. The moment that we choose truth, then walking strongly in that truth becomes our radicality.”

David Foster Wallace wrote: “The capital T-Truth is about life BEFORE death. It is about the value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over…This is water…This is water. It is unimaginably hard to stay awake in the world today.”

Journeys in Bangalore

Sharing some pictures and videos from my recent Bangalore India walkabout. Even a pic of me in there if you have been curious. It’s New Years here! Much thanks to Viktor my trusted guide. We talked of life, family, spirit, and  country, he was the best part of the trip!

Hari Om Tat Sat
Hari Om Tat Sat
Hari Om Tat Sat

The Middle Way

Before emptying, there must be fullness.
Before shrinking, there must be expanding.
Before falling, there must be ascent.
To destroy something, lead it to its extreme.
To preserve something, keep to the middle.

                                          – Deng Ming-Dao

Slave to the Quest

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O friend! Hope for Him whilst you live, know while you live, understand while you live:

for in life deliverance abides.

If your bonds be not broken whilst living, what hope of deliverance in death?

It is but an empty dream that the soul shall have union with Him because it has passed from the body:

If He is found now, He is found then, if not, we do but go to dwell in the city of Death. If you have union now, you shall have it hereafter.

Bathe in the Truth, know the true Guru, have faith in the true Name.

Kabir says:

It is the spirit of the quest that helps;
I am the slave of the Spirit of the quest.

– Songs of Kabir (York Beach, Maine: Samuel Weiser, Inc., 1991), pps. 46-47

Creed or Christ

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Origen – Early Christian Scholar

No man loves God who hates his kind,
Who tramples on his brother’s heart and soul;
Who seeks to shackle, cloud, or fog the mind
By fears of hell has not perceived our goal.

God-sent are all religions blest;
And Christ, the Way, the Truth, the Life,
To give the heavy laden rest
And peace from sorrow, sin, and strife.

Behold the Universal Spirit came
To all the churches, not to one alone;
On Pentecostal morn a tongue of flame
Round each apostle as a halo shone.

Since then, as vultures ravenous with greed,
We oft have battled for an empty name,
And sought by dogma, edict, cult, or creed,
To send each other to the quenchless flame.

Is Christ then twain? Was Cephas, Paul,
To save the world, nailed to the tree?
Then why divisions here at all?
Christ’s love enfolds both you and me.

His pure sweet love is not confined
By creed which segregate and raise a wall.
His love enfolds, embraces human kind,
No matter what ourselves or Him we call.

Then why not take Him at His word?
Why hold to creeds which tear apart?
But one thing matters, be it heard
That brother love fill every heart.

There’s but one thing the world has need to know.
There’s but one balm for all our human woe:
There’s but one way that leads to heaven above–
That way is human sympathy and love.

– Max Heindel –  Rosicrucian Scholar
The Rosicrucian Cosmo-Conception – 1909