The Hard Fucking Work of Living with the Pain and Fear of this Life

Last night had the craziest dream about a gravitational anomaly eating a hole through the earth.

It was depressing and scary.

I kept trying to get further away from the anomaly but the water kept coming and then I was in this giant whirlpool that was spitting the earth into space.

So damn real.

My fear woke me up, I wanted out of that fucking dream.

I heard the ocean waves on my sound machine when I woke up and the central heater was running and I felt like there might be an ocean outside the window.

Sounded like it.

It turned out a military project triggered the event in my dream.

The mind is just amazing.

Since I stopped smoking pot I can remember my dreams incredibly vivid now.

I never thought I’d stop smoking pot, but I stopped drinking and smoking a bit ago and I can tell a big positive difference.

Switched to a vegan diet, started exercising more.

Feeling good, clear.

Got my shovel out and started shoveling the shit, put my back into it.

I was letting my body go.

But my heart and body brought me back.

I’m going to volunteer at hospice I think.

I have a knack helping people let go of their fear.

Maybe I can be of a little service to some before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

I’m 50 now and feel like I’ve lived four different lives.

Maybe I’ll read them poetry and shit like that.

Been working on my writing, can’t say it’s getting much better, but I’m keeping at it.

For I have found the best in life is incommunicable.

How bout that?!

Been writing about the folks I’ve come to know and love through their art, but want to know them deeper.

I want to know their pain and joy. Ralph Waldo Emerson has some good shit to say about that. He says know that all in history thought and felt as you did.

I’ve been digging deeper everywhere and have to say I’ve never felt more alive, focused, productive, calm, in love.

Had a surreal day on Saturday.

Very existential, was just accepting of the whole damn mess of this beautiful life.

Had some serenity I guess.

It was nice.

Had some fun and not so fun interactions with some folks on Reddit and FB.

Peeps are angry.

They don’t like their lives.

Downright miserable.

I like to swim out into the deep water with people.

Can’t say I’m very patient with misery.

Fuck that shit.

Recently even stopped fighting with my wife so much.

I love the girl, she’s crazy about my ole smelly 🐐 ass.

Been talking to my Brother more who I’ve never really talked much with

Been really nice to bond over our pedophile father and insanely religious family, haha.

What a fucked up family we got, let me tell you.

The brother of my sister’s husband killed himself.

Found out that fuck molested my niece years ago.

Found out my dad molested her too.

I hope it hurt when he died.

It’s tough not to wish my dad the pain he inflicted on others.

But I can’t judge anyone.

I never hurt a child, but I inflicted plenty of pain.

God only knows how many people my asshole Father hurt.

One reason my sister, mom and niece turned to Jesus.

The only man who wouldn’t hurt them they dream.

That is what makes them so mad at me.

Cause I turned my back on their savior.

I dared to kill my god.

But I tried to tell them, Jesus met me as a brother and friend, not god.

You can’t love your neighbor until you love the worst of you and the worst you find in life.

They can’t hear me at all.

I’m over their shit, I’ll tell ya.

Heartless bitches, but they are just in great pain.

Unbearable pain almost.

Almost killed my niece before she sobered up.

They hate me more than my puke dad.

How fucking ironic is that shit?!

My brother doesn’t understand it.

I kinda do.

I think I’m gonna write a bit more about my father and my old religion and those bitches.

I remember when he got his belt out and beat us the other day.

He must have hated himself.

He took it out on us.

Probably partially what made me such an angry asshole I guess.

It’s good when you know that fucking child disease is not in you.

My brother and I been going deep together.

We share these inner depth sounding experiences.

I feel like a big brother now.

I feel like a husband.

I feel like a friend.

Took me awhile to hit my stride, but I fucking did.

No, I’m not going to leave my marriage again like I did in the past.

I don’t quit shit anymore.

I follow through.

I won’t give up until I’m dead.

I wasted enough time in my life.

If I had known Plato and Socrates and Diogenes, I would have just had a beer with them and talked about the shit in life we all have to bear.

One thing I can say all us humans have in common, we feel this shit.

Deeply.

All these people in prison, destroyed children, terrified and hardened.

It hurts a lot.

One thing I have is some fucking deep emotions.

I’m very close to them now.

Not letting that pain twist us into monsters is the great work and art of living and dying.

Transmuting the shit of life into gold is godly I find.

I dunno, guess I worked my shit out.

But there is always more shit to shovel.

I’ll get back to it.

the poet drinks by moonlight

with the grey ghosts

with red eyes

until he pukes

he spits and cusses

at the birds

he pisses anywhere

he feels to leak

he kicks down doors 

seeking the face of his god

denying his existence

with venomous word

and dead thought

he shoots for the stars

anywhere he can find a vein

he wastes away

in a green haze

you seen god

he’s the flasher

on the corner

the priest who is waiting

the killer stalking prey

the deer shot in the heart

what fool would 

chase his own ass

the donkey wants 

the carrot 

not until he stops

does it swing his way

then a bus hits him

one day the poetic bum

fell down hard

laying there in the grass

a child sang a song

a flower bloomed

dogs barked

and for once 

the poet truly saw

through bloodshot eyes

and a bitchin headache

how much he hated life

how much he hated that song

when would it all stop

this is the best it gets

the way is no way

when you try to leave

you always arrive again

the poet drinks by moonlight 

and always ends up where 

he last felt his heart beat

Ashes of Love

flame casts no shadow
all can be seen by its light
source consumed
light and heat radiate
toss it all on
enjoy your feast dancing fairies
oh how they dance before me
over me and through me
captured in their beauty
i willingly give myself to
those dancing crimson flames
light and heat consume
love knows
no limits
no flesh
no fear
nothing can stop its dance
you can find me there
a pile of ashes in the corner

Synchronicity And Flow

Mandala_Golden_Flower_Jung
Mandala Golden Flower from Carl Jung Ex Patient

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what is in us.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

I had to reblog this below from An Accidental Anarchist, it was a question and answer in one for me when I read it. It is from an ex patient of Carl Jung. I think it stands pretty well on it’s own, those who read my blog, know of what it speaks. Interesting to see and experience the commonality of experience across a century. I echo the patient below, what a fool I was, but I still am today!

“Out of evil, much good has come to me.
By keeping quiet, repressing nothing,
remaining attentive, and by accepting
reality – taking things as they are, and not
as I wanted them to be – by doing all this,
unusual knowledge has come to me,
and unusual powers as well, such as I could
never have imagined before.

I always thought that when we accepted things
they overpowered us in some way or other.
This turns out not to be true at all, and it is
only by accepting them that one can assume
and attitude towards them.

So now I intend to play the game of life, being
receptive to whatever comes to me, good and
bad, sun and shadow forever alternating, and,
in this way, also accepting my own nature with
its positive and negative sides. Thus everything
becomes more alive to me.

What a fool I was! How I tried to force everything
to go according to way I thought it ought to.”

— an EX patient of C. G. Jung (Alchemical Studies, pg 47)

Waking Up in Plato’s Cave

image

True belief is like a statue.

Let us examine that statement. Our belief must be anchored as the statue is. Bodies and thoughts are always in motion.

How can we transform this belief that is now anchored like a statue into real knowledge?

It can’t become knowledge until it is thought of and experienced.

You think about it. But what if you can no longer think? You have to be electrified and shown your ignorance. It can be a painful process seemingly like torture.

You are made to examine your life and you are turned around and shown the difference between the sun and the shadow.

You feel dumb having thought the shadow was real.

Enlightenment and education thus seem natural. Release from the cave is natural and will happen for each in due course through a myriad of means.

It is unnatural to remain in the cave. Education infers responsibility. You were grabbed and led out of the cave and shown your ignorance until it arose in you to help others out of the cave into the Light.

You were able to see the Sun and then it was all clear.

The curse is you must now go back into the cave and help drag others out. It is natural for you to do so though.

They killed Socrates for leading us to the light.

Things are a little better for us since 500 BC, no?  Neoplatonism is the foundation of Christianity and Judiasm.

The illusion and shadow seems much more real now though.

But all you have to do is walk outside and smell the flowers today to wake up. The choice is much more clear now.

Act natural and go with the flow of your life or stay lost in shadow.

Shrug.

Your destiny is to stand free, in the Light.

In Between

we find ourselves
on the edge of oblivion
barely able
to hear and see
the game set by
the light and dark
we live in between
the possibilities

Movement

la.ca.knight.09_kpd60wnc
Susan Rothenberg – Moving in Place

forgetting wisps of matter

stillness where you are

being what you seek

love is all that moves

Shadow and Light

2555540

Who has seen a shadow separated from the Light?” – Rumi

A poem from Rumi on the Shadow and Light within…

How does a part of the world leave the world?
How does wetness leave water?

Dont’ try to put out fire by throwing on 
more fire! Don’t wash a wound with blood. 

No matter how fast you run, your shadow 
keeps up. Sometimes it’s in front! 

Only full overhead sun diminishes your shadow. 
But that shadow has been serving you. 

What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is
your candle. Your boundaries are your quest.

I could explain this, but it will break the
glass cover on your heart, and there’s no
fixing that. 

You must have shadow and light source both. 
Listen, and lay your head under the tree of awe. 

When from that tree feathers and wings sprout on you, 
be quieter than a dove.

Don’t even open your mouth for even a coo.

What is sin?
What are your sins?
Who did you hurt?
Are they too awful to be spoken?

Poor little you.
When you are done crying over spilled milk.
Wake up to what you are.
And stand.

You are what you are.

Why not eat the apple?

image
Bosch – The Garden of Earthly Delights

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” – Carl Jung

Did humankind develop speech and thus awareness, which brought knowledge of the consequences of our actions? Was it worth eating that fruit of awareness in that ancient garden? We are working that out as I write.

Do you see one thing with your eyes focused together or do you see different things with your right and left eyes? Do you know yourself? Do some parts inside scare you and others inspire? Sometimes the way forward is not toward the light and bliss, but deeper into the darkness and pain. Great creativity and genius often goes hand and hand with an equal measure of shadow. Your unconscious selves will be acknowledged one way or another. For the artist, they have a natural outlet to project their light and shadow on and hopefully find wholeness in the acknowledgement of both.

This can be a confusing and counterintuitive process. Many people are unconsciously led by parts of themselves they are ignorant of or are actively hiding from or ignoring. This may make it seem like we have little free will. Life can seem chaotic. Not so, in the moment we have choices to love or fear, embrace truth or lies.  Your journey into the darkness must be led by the Light of Love though if it is to succeed. The Light followed us into this natural plane and provides what we need to rise above it or we can descend into the depths of the natural. There is Truth in the Light, external and internal. To connect the Light outside to the inner Light is true illumination. You can transmute anything with this (W)Holy Light.

In darkness within, you are searching for the lost and scary parts of yourself if you seek wholeness and a unity of opposites. It has something to do with the Law of Attraction, which implies opposition and duality in all things. As humans though, we may seem like an individual on the outside, but inside, we are Legion, multi-faceted with many voices. Carl Jung’s archetypes describe the inner world or Dante’s Inferno. You need heat to facilitate the chemical reactions. The journey to wholeness is a lifelong and perhaps eternal one. Goethe explores this journey in Faust, where at the brink of suicide, a way through is found acknowledging the light and dark within. So many of our myths inspire and speak of these deep hopes and fears in ourselves buried in our individual and corporate consciousness.

What is wholeness?

Learning to confront our inner impulses and desires perhaps and balance them with the outside world we experience that changes moment by moment. This provides a new context to consider suffering and desire. To seek wholeness leads one to confront the opposites within, which can lead to balance. With no unity, a person is fractured and unable to face adversity and challenge. Through learning the nature of the opposites within ourselves we find inner and outer balance and peace.

There are many cultures that have a creation myth similar to the Eden story of the major religions. In western religion the Devil represents the great tempter of mankind. But I have experienced and accepted that this is incorrect and all metaphor and allegory. Through my own inner journey, I have learned that the Devil represents the divine feminine in us. The creative force and hidden natural self loving desire that drives us. The Devil or serpent brings knowledge of the consequences of our actions and demands us to stand up and accept responsibility for our actions.

Now, this is likely to spark a deep reaction in the religiously minded. This is by design. We are not encouraged to explore the darker aspects of our natures, but you are what you are. There have been many systems developed to help transcend suffering and transcend our lower natures. These kind of skipped past something big for me. They provided little help in understanding and processing the shadow thoughts that seem in opposition to our drive upward. Carl Jung helped me best. He bridged eastern and western thought and helped describe this process of spiritual alchemy and unification in a way the western mind could understand. We are not good or evil, but a collection of opposites in need of balance and maturity.

A fractured inner mind can be expressed through physical and or mental imbalance. We must relate with the world calmly in Love shining the Light of Truth. A fractured mind is full of sharp edges that cut and makes it difficult to relate to others. If you are experiencing pain and suffering, this is a sign of imbalance. It takes careful deliberate incremental steps to find the causes of and to apply solutions for the sources of these imbalances physical, mental and spiritual. This is our work to do in this and perhaps many lives and the first and most important way we heal the world, by balancing ourselves first. To know thyself is to see your actions honestly so you can keep things in balance.

You will know the quality of the tree by its ripe fruit and the roots of that tree must go down deep, as Carl Jung said, even into hell. This is my experience. To find wholeness you must embrace your shadow. That does not mean act out on your darker desires and impulses, but to acknowledge their presence and explore their sources.

I feel like I am wandering in dark caves at times, I shall not fear (But sometimes I do). I have my Light and hope and the Love I feel behind that Light inspires me onward and inward. I feel the many visions of Eden point us to our Source above and inside. Eden will not allow those not worthy to enter and we are all on our journey back to wholeness in the Light.

The Truth is, you already have that which you seek, eternity in your hearts, so just chill and go with the flow and just act natural.

I think I will take another bite of that apple now.

hypersleep dreams of the hypermind

“For who can return ‘nowhere?’” – Thomas Merton

tumbling through space
thoughts flashing
through mind illumined
electrically and esoterically
charged
i come to the
end of the road
the gig is up
i tried to run
but could never hide
from myself
i seem to just be
a 3D projection of
a 2D surface
an echo
a collapsed star
turned in
on itself
a lower dimensional
shadow
from dimensions
above or is it below
I stand across a sea
i can never reach
stuck behind
this one-sided boundary
everything is
different here
i long to be back
in that place
where all is
Unus Mundus
where up is down
and down is up
so long ago
forgotten
lost in hypersleep now
in this closed
hyperreal loop
now i’m getting it
i know this tune
do not despair
we are echoes
of something else
we can not know
i accept this now
in my hypermind
when quiet
what is left
am i just

mechanical flotsam?
bohm’s ‘system of thought’?
an outside without an inside?

no

i am
the ambassador
for the true Emperor
and nothing less
the holy one
who knows
the secrets
you have never
dreamed to seek
he winds me up every night
for the day’s competition
like a charging tin soilder
who must follow the rules
in this funland
but we can choose
what rules we wish
to follow
for there is
no such thing
as rules
in that other
place
i write
these silly words
begging someone
not to forget
to turn out the
light when they
are done playing
and please
don’t forget to
wind my spring
for i have many
battles yet to fight
I always live
to fight
another day
now leave
me to my
hyperdreams