The Hard Fucking Work of Living with the Pain and Fear of this Life

Last night had the craziest dream about a gravitational anomaly eating a hole through the earth.

It was depressing and scary.

I kept trying to get further away from the anomaly but the water kept coming and then I was in this giant whirlpool that was spitting the earth into space.

So damn real.

My fear woke me up, I wanted out of that fucking dream.

I heard the ocean waves on my sound machine when I woke up and the central heater was running and I felt like there might be an ocean outside the window.

Sounded like it.

It turned out a military project triggered the event in my dream.

The mind is just amazing.

Since I stopped smoking pot I can remember my dreams incredibly vivid now.

I never thought I’d stop smoking pot, but I stopped drinking and smoking a bit ago and I can tell a big positive difference.

Switched to a vegan diet, started exercising more.

Feeling good, clear.

Got my shovel out and started shoveling the shit, put my back into it.

I was letting my body go.

But my heart and body brought me back.

I’m going to volunteer at hospice I think.

I have a knack helping people let go of their fear.

Maybe I can be of a little service to some before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

I’m 50 now and feel like I’ve lived four different lives.

Maybe I’ll read them poetry and shit like that.

Been working on my writing, can’t say it’s getting much better, but I’m keeping at it.

For I have found the best in life is incommunicable.

How bout that?!

Been writing about the folks I’ve come to know and love through their art, but want to know them deeper.

I want to know their pain and joy. Ralph Waldo Emerson has some good shit to say about that. He says know that all in history thought and felt as you did.

I’ve been digging deeper everywhere and have to say I’ve never felt more alive, focused, productive, calm, in love.

Had a surreal day on Saturday.

Very existential, was just accepting of the whole damn mess of this beautiful life.

Had some serenity I guess.

It was nice.

Had some fun and not so fun interactions with some folks on Reddit and FB.

Peeps are angry.

They don’t like their lives.

Downright miserable.

I like to swim out into the deep water with people.

Can’t say I’m very patient with misery.

Fuck that shit.

Recently even stopped fighting with my wife so much.

I love the girl, she’s crazy about my ole smelly 🐐 ass.

Been talking to my Brother more who I’ve never really talked much with

Been really nice to bond over our pedophile father and insanely religious family, haha.

What a fucked up family we got, let me tell you.

The brother of my sister’s husband killed himself.

Found out that fuck molested my niece years ago.

Found out my dad molested her too.

I hope it hurt when he died.

It’s tough not to wish my dad the pain he inflicted on others.

But I can’t judge anyone.

I never hurt a child, but I inflicted plenty of pain.

God only knows how many people my asshole Father hurt.

One reason my sister, mom and niece turned to Jesus.

The only man who wouldn’t hurt them they dream.

That is what makes them so mad at me.

Cause I turned my back on their savior.

I dared to kill my god.

But I tried to tell them, Jesus met me as a brother and friend, not god.

You can’t love your neighbor until you love the worst of you and the worst you find in life.

They can’t hear me at all.

I’m over their shit, I’ll tell ya.

Heartless bitches, but they are just in great pain.

Unbearable pain almost.

Almost killed my niece before she sobered up.

They hate me more than my puke dad.

How fucking ironic is that shit?!

My brother doesn’t understand it.

I kinda do.

I think I’m gonna write a bit more about my father and my old religion and those bitches.

I remember when he got his belt out and beat us the other day.

He must have hated himself.

He took it out on us.

Probably partially what made me such an angry asshole I guess.

It’s good when you know that fucking child disease is not in you.

My brother and I been going deep together.

We share these inner depth sounding experiences.

I feel like a big brother now.

I feel like a husband.

I feel like a friend.

Took me awhile to hit my stride, but I fucking did.

No, I’m not going to leave my marriage again like I did in the past.

I don’t quit shit anymore.

I follow through.

I won’t give up until I’m dead.

I wasted enough time in my life.

If I had known Plato and Socrates and Diogenes, I would have just had a beer with them and talked about the shit in life we all have to bear.

One thing I can say all us humans have in common, we feel this shit.

Deeply.

All these people in prison, destroyed children, terrified and hardened.

It hurts a lot.

One thing I have is some fucking deep emotions.

I’m very close to them now.

Not letting that pain twist us into monsters is the great work and art of living and dying.

Transmuting the shit of life into gold is godly I find.

I dunno, guess I worked my shit out.

But there is always more shit to shovel.

I’ll get back to it.

Reading From Carl Jung’s Red Book

A reading I did awhile ago.

Did I make this?

Interesting.

Burn 🔥 The Boats

Everything I write these days is meant to inspire self expression and individuation, for myself first.

Write openly about yourself to be yourself.

When you’re young, you think you have all the answers.

As you age, you realize, really, you have none.

The best people I have come across, have a single burning 🔥 purpose…

To live their best life and point others to the same in spite of all resistance and circumstance inside and outside, which are the same.

If you look into the past, you find every generation hoping the future generations do better than they did.

The great people in my opinion, have a common theme in their expressions, love this life and earth and be worthy of it.

“The writer of these lines has nothing whatsoever to teach anyone; his words are just his contribution to our common discussion of what must inevitably be for us the most important subject which could be discussed by sentient beings.”

—Wei Wu Wei

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself and that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with eternity.”

—The Alchemist

“Don’t be concerned with other people’s impressions of you. They are dazzled and deluded by appearances. Stick with your purpose. This alone will strengthen your will and give your life coherence.”

—Epictetus

I have one burning 🔥 purpose, to live the best life possible and inspire others to the same, have a great one!

“A burning purpose attracts others who are drawn along with it and help fulfill it.”

— Margaret Bourke-White

Burn 🔥 the boats!

Only one way through life now.

Straight on til morning.

The Dreamers

On the shoulders of
Great open minds
Who came before
I stand and strain to hear and see

I feel as Wordsworth
A motion and a spirit that impels
I feel the magickal idealism of
Courageous people infecting me

I walk in steps tread long before
I look around in wonder
Read all the pretty words
And hear the song of the human heart

There is a current of knowledge and wisdom
That flows all around us and was gifted to us
I withhold my stamp on the world
And am quiet to allow the deeper pattern to emerge

I feel destiny
And the responsibility and hopes
Of a thousand ancient hands
At my back

The Ancestors speak to me
And instill
A knowing that their sacrifice was
Not in vain

There is fear in the world
There is anger in the world
There is covetousness and jealousy too
There is murder of the innocent

But there is love and sacrifice in this world

There is beauty in the world
There is hope and courage in the world
There is Light and Truth
There is a bounty to harvest

In separation
In rending
In suffering
Love knows it’s depth

I will add my part
To the ancient myths and songs
And dream with you of
Our best future

On Death and Life

image

On Death from The Prophet

by Khalil Gibran

Then  Almitra spoke, saying, “We would ask now of Death.”

And he said:

You would know the secret of death. But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?

The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.

If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.

For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.

Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.

Is the sheered not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?

Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

As I embrace the Light above and below in my life, something interesting is happening. I am finding a hunger for life like I have never felt it before, not a desire to leave, dominate or avoid it, but to embrace and celebrate it. What can a person do when Death smiles at them but smile back, what is there to fear? I do not have dreams of heaven, but instead I embrace my dissolution into something I could not begin to explain. I can’t wait for the next scene now and I find joy in the moment with fears and desires fading. The past has birthed this moment to have another chance to connect with my source.

So many different names and opinions about the source of life. That is why it must be found in silence beyond words, feelings and what you think. I’m ravenous, not to experience life, but to share the love I feel within that silence with all. I invite you to tune in, step up and out with me. Get messy. I have no idea where this train is going and I could care less, the view is to die for. Well, I might have some idea. There is this amazing other soundtrack to life I’m finding, always on. What is Death, but the ultimate celebration of life! From Gibran’s Sand and Foam:

The first thought of God was an angel.
The first word of God was a man.

You were given the gift of speech, but wait before you speak, consider your words and their power, because when you’re silent the words and visions that come are usually for you. 

Image – Mystical Vision of Death – Alex Grey

What Dreams May Come

seven_cups

nothing is free
the scales will
always be balanced
nothing handed to you
nothing deserved
here and now
do the work
and find your
Self in the

Light

Your desire knows you well
The serpent of wisdom
Dragon of temptation
A fair woman
Guardian
The Castle
And Jewels
All fine prizes
In a future
Bounded by
the

Light

What can it all mean

Dreams
Visions
Imagination
Illusions
Deceptions

I had a dream
For my self
I AM in it
Living it
With you

Now

Transcendent Art of Android Jones

From Android Jones. I had to share some of these images. I am lost in them.

Neutral Buoyancy: A Winning Strategy

I had a dream last night. I don’t remember it clearly.  It was important I felt, to somebody. This morning a kind of summary regarding recent happenings in my part of the space-time continuum began replaying in my mind and I felt some of my dream coming up. Been percolating for awhile. Here is the gist of it. I have been given many game pieces and hints recently to play with in this beautiful game of Life which it seems was created for our good. They just floated by. Let me explain.

This is not new information. It has been beamed into our heads since birth by everything around us, Life is a game. Some would have us believe either suffering is not real or that Life is only that, suffering. Suffering does not exist as we think it does. I’m not going to tell you it isn’t real. How do I know for sure? It sure as hell hurts sometimes. I feel It is more a corrective subroutine. You are not supposed to like it. It hurts. But there is a higher path through it. You just have to realize you are not real in the sense you think you are and thus your pain, is more guiding then crippling. Suffering encases you in a pupa in which you can grow into a beautiful butterfly. Any separation we feel between us inside/outside is our own. The point is to learn and explore your connections to every thing around you using all skills and talents at your disposal. We are not to shut our minds off, instead let them be guided by beneficial principles. There is a level of self benefit, but when you factor in other’s benefit into your thinking, you reach the next game level and as a bonus, you get a conscious awareness power up in game. You learn this through trial and error. There is no right or wrong, just the way things are. You accept them or not.

How do I know this? I read the instructions sillies. I didn’t just dream it. I’m not that crazy. In fact, I’m not crazy at all. I am completely lucid at this moment, more so than my entire life. That is an interesting point in the game. The infinite possibilities bonus level during a moment of clarity. The instructions are in this really hard to get to space in the 2nd ventricle of the heart, written reversed against the inner heart wall, in the sanctum sanctorum. For $19.99 I can mail you instructions how to find it. It’s such a small price to pay for such a great game hint 🙂 Even the instructions were hidden in this game.

I have learned through experience, there is a middle way, balance is possible. The Creators of this game don’t even know its depth. Why do you think we are here. From now until we die or our collective clocks run down, any doubt this is true will be shown to you as folly. Do you need to know its a game, in a way, yes.

No Man’s Sky is a new simulated Universe game that created a Universe in 600,000 lines of code. They modeled our current understanding of physics into the game. It’s the first of its kind and unique in its scope in the way the Universe was modeled, on demand, the subroutine for a new area starts running. The patterns in our brain are hard wired to seek a Creator and know thy self perhaps. Maybe people are led unconsciously to create games that mirror Ultimate Reality because we are not ready to occupy that specific game level yet. Or perhaps that is beyond the game. And to say it is a game, they mean we are a simulation most likely.

Everything is a mirror. We are creators and that I think is part of the point of the game. Learn to love, flow free and create good things spontaneously for all. The game routines are not running when not needed. Now bring in VR and you can see we are on the verge of a new entertainment explosion. Watch, you will see VR take over in the next 5 years. It is a true fractal simulation based on the theory’s of Nick Bostrum. Nick is a philosopher who the smartest people in the world are listening to. He is an AI theorist. Nick just showed we are likely not real and simulated. If the smartest in the world believe this, what do you think they are doing? They are running the game. Accept, being most powerful is no better in this game than being a gamete.

How did I come to know this, because I know it as sure as my arms and legs before me. I told you, I found the instructions. The eastern and western esoteric traditions have explored our simulation in great depth. This is the Truth at the center of their secret knowings. They learned that once you have read all the instructions, you have to turn yourself into a key. A key to unlock parts of the game. It is a very common human reaction that when you know you have discovered the key, 9 times out of 10, people want to keep it for themselves and theirs. That is a test. It is a losing strategy.

So if you want to be President, a drunk, a beggar, a drug addict, ruler of the Galaxy, a janitor, a Dad, a Mom, do it! All equally valid in the spirit of exploring the game. As many times as you want for as long as you want. We have eternity it seems. But there is an order to things. A game progression. We are being directed in a way it seems to make ourselves better. To expand our minds. It seems whoever expands the furthest, maybe even into non-existence in the game is the winner. There is a hint. Openness and awareness. Anything you can do to foster those seems to lead to some great in game benefits.

Now, here is one existential paradox. If it is a game, no matter how hard you try, you will only be able to learn what has been put into the game. It may be a closed game, seems unlikely, but we can never know. Nick explains it is impossible to know if we are simulated after we have created adequately sophisticated simulations ourselves.

OK, that all seems logical, but is the Universe only logical? We just can’t know. Everyone has their own subjective experience. May I suggest a good game strategy that has been working well for me, neutral buoyancy. Neutral Buoyancy is a condition in which a physical body’s average density is equal to the density of the fluid in which it is immersed. Don’t go out of your depth, let the currents and your own composition lead you up or down as a balloon. Truthfully, you can’t go anywhere where you have not equalized to the pressure. In this way, it is impossible to cheat in the game to get to the true treasure.

Go with the flow.

That’s it, its also the title of my new book, Neutral Buoyancy: A Winning Strategy. I decided to try to write about the game instructions. Its not against the rules. But it is a proven losing strategy though. No one listens. I thought I would try to knock my head against the wall writing until something else comes loose.

Life is a game.

hypersleep dreams of the hypermind

“For who can return ‘nowhere?’” – Thomas Merton

tumbling through space
thoughts flashing
through mind illumined
electrically and esoterically
charged
i come to the
end of the road
the gig is up
i tried to run
but could never hide
from myself
i seem to just be
a 3D projection of
a 2D surface
an echo
a collapsed star
turned in
on itself
a lower dimensional
shadow
from dimensions
above or is it below
I stand across a sea
i can never reach
stuck behind
this one-sided boundary
everything is
different here
i long to be back
in that place
where all is
Unus Mundus
where up is down
and down is up
so long ago
forgotten
lost in hypersleep now
in this closed
hyperreal loop
now i’m getting it
i know this tune
do not despair
we are echoes
of something else
we can not know
i accept this now
in my hypermind
when quiet
what is left
am i just

mechanical flotsam?
bohm’s ‘system of thought’?
an outside without an inside?

no

i am
the ambassador
for the true Emperor
and nothing less
the holy one
who knows
the secrets
you have never
dreamed to seek
he winds me up every night
for the day’s competition
like a charging tin soilder
who must follow the rules
in this funland
but we can choose
what rules we wish
to follow
for there is
no such thing
as rules
in that other
place
i write
these silly words
begging someone
not to forget
to turn out the
light when they
are done playing
and please
don’t forget to
wind my spring
for i have many
battles yet to fight
I always live
to fight
another day
now leave
me to my
hyperdreams

The Cassandra Complex

I have often been
In my life
At the right place
At the right time

Could this be
One of Those moments
I have the Universe
Swirling within

Yet, I can be as an
Animal lost in instinct
So at any moment
You could have an

Angel or a Dragon

It would be easy
For one to observe so much
To begin to think that
Awareness means specialness

As Jung
I am still working out my Demons
For they are Legion
But I AM ONE

I am no Chicken Little
None would listen to my rants
Lovejoy came and went
Pull up a chair for a front row seat

To our Apocalypse