“I exhausted myself, looking.
No one ever finds this by trying.
I melted into it and came home,
Where every jar is full,
But no one drinks.” – Lalla
There is no path to the higher Self.
There is no external salvation.
There is no enlightenment.
There is no escape from your predicament.
Heaven is here now.
Hell is here now.
Choose which you will inhabit.
This is the Best Possible World, here and now, you don’t go again.
This is you being confronted with the Truth of Self, what will you choose?
This is the eternal moment…now…now…now…now.
Not only is there no one here seeking, there is nothing to find.
Let me say that again…
THERE IS NOTHING TO FIND AND NO ONE HERE SEEKING
Gibberish? I know it is Truth. That is of no help to you though, is it? Now that we have that out of the way, let me suggest you leave your gurus and teachers if you follow any, they want you too anyway, cast off and sail inside to the shores of knowing led by the True Light of your Self. Either these holy ones, ha, know what I am saying already or they are as lost as the people that follow them. We all need community, but we share in that as equals. There is no higharchy among us needed when all take responsibility for their actions and reactions, we are all equals, because we are of the same stuff. No one has the right to dictate your actions, they can force and coerce you, but you have the choice how you respond with your actions and reactions. This is a debatable point dependent on your understanding of free will, in actuality there may be no free will. In the world around you, you have the illusion of choice, but they are mediated by cause and effect.
Your suffering is illusory, I know it hurts, I didn’t say it will not hurt, but no one is here to hurt and no one is hurting you. A paradox, no? How will you resolve it? The shackles that bind you are bigger than your neck and limbs, they slip on and off.
Perhaps you do or don’t acknowledge the spiritual aspect of your being, but there is one, have no doubts, shrug, or struggle with them forever, it is your individual choice. I care, because we all have a stake in our collective awareness and our contribution. Unbalance unbalances all, I seek balance inside and without, for all of us. A balance and agreement must be made between your shadow and light aspects and if we can all do this, the world around us will be as it is naturally and we can flow in it naturally balanced, with balanced concern and freedom from suffering.
There is no winner, no struggle needed.
Everything here at QU is meant to show you there is a knowing possible in life, you need not be tossed on the waves with no hope. Except it isn’t some rope you must grab external to yourself, or some secret teaching you need to find, you are the rope and your own hope. Bumping through life is not needed forever, though it is necessary sometimes. There is an awareness about the world inside of you that is possible to find, a balance, a cancelling of the terms. There are many ways to approach it and bring it forth from inside yourself.
Simply, you are the path to your own salvation from suffering and doubt…
I grew up an Evangelical Christian in the US. It’s a nationalist religion short and sweet. We have all heard from Christian fundamentalists that magic and witchcraft is linked with the Devil and that it is Satanic and you will go to hell if you practice it, but after understanding what real Magick is about and its purpose, its given me some insight into the real reason it is demonized. If we know anything about organized religion it uses ideas and symbols to control and indoctrinate people. Magick and occult practices on an individual level uses ideas and symbols to free a person’s mind and allows them to look at things from different perspectives to gain Self knowledge. If the goal of religion is to keep people ignorant, submissive, and controlled than the knowledge of Magick and the Estoeric practices is just as much a threat to blind faith as the knowledge of science and evolution are to blind faith.
I’m not here to promote the Devil or God, whatever those things are, they aren’t knowable or real maybe.
THERE IS SOMETHING HERE THOUGH
And we are flowing in it. I will keep my options open, I know how it acts, I know myself in it, but I don’t know what it is. I’m here to remind you of something you forgot about yourself though. Anytime you come here to QU, you will be confronted with alternate ways to see yourself and the world and how to find yourself as the path.
YOU ARE THE PATH
This is the meaning of Christ’s words I found for myself. When you are ready to leave it all behind and go inside, you will begin a journey you will never be able to anticipate in the flow of life, you can be led by a honed intuition with no fear able to take any rough water. You are here to dissolve yourself back into that swirling whatever we are in right now. There is no up or down, left or right, good or evil, yet, in balance, all works out the way it should every moment.
A certain Sultan owned everything a man could wish for and still he did not know the purpose of life. The answer to three questions made his life difficult:
1. What should I do?
2. With which people should I do the things God asks me to do?
3. When should I do it?
The Sultan asked the advice of all kinds of wise people, and then he was told that there was a Chishti dervish, who lived far away, and who might give him a satisfactory answer. The Sultan immediately left and after a journey of several weeks he met the dervish. The dervish was cultivating his own land. He was a simple man, but no simpleton, as he was reciting a Persian quatrain over and over again:
Kaarist waraai ‘elm raw aanraa baash
Dar bande gohar mabaash raw kaan raa baash
Del hast maqaame gaah begozaar o biaa
Jaan manzele aakherast raw jaan raa baash .
There is a work beyond knowledge, realise that, go! Do not work to get jewels, be the mine, go! The heart is a temporary abode, leave it and come! The soul is the final abode, realise that, go!
The Sultan was however not interested in Persian poems and asked his three questions to the dervish. The dervish did not answer him and continued with his work. The Sultan became angry and said: “Don’t you know who I am. I am the Sultan of Sultans”. But this did not make any impression as well and the dervish continued doing what he was doing.
A heavily wounded man suddenly appeared and he dropped to the ground in front of the dervish. The dervish said to the Sultan: “Help me to carry this man to my place!” “I’ll help you,” the Sultan said, “but will you answer my questions afterwards?”
“Later!” the dervish said and together they brought the wounded man to the hut of the dervish and took care of him.
“And now I’d like to receive the answers to my questions,” the Sultan said. “You can return to your palace,” the dervish said, “because you have already received the answers to your questions. As to what to do, you should do what comes to you on your path. As to with whom you should do it, the answer is with those who are present. And as for the when to do it, you should do it the moment it takes place”.
This is the way it is with ancient truth, always chiding us to focus on the here and now. Perhaps that is a clue. I see the great beauty, hard work and gritty truth of the Sufi path and it resonates very deeply with me. I imagine myself a Dervish on some dark road with just my wits and what I have on my back with me, alone but never alone. I desired to know their ecstatic experience of the Divine in my everyday life and then I realized as I admired the beautiful green covered mountain to the East during a quiet moment, I had found it.
Intro to David Lynch’s, Dune. This book is greatly influenced by Frank Herbert’s Dune series.
The Preface to my new book, “Quantum Underground: Front Row Seat to Our Apocalypse” follows. Great, another book, my eyes are rolling too. This is a book exploring the connections between the outer world and the inner one I experience. It is about The Apocalypse, or The Uncovering of my Self, more than the event, an event of the soul. I do not fear my ego is too prevalent in these words, but it has its own voice and always will be part of the conversation in this material reality or illusion, I keep forgetting which.
I have tried to explore these emotions and thoughts from others’ perspective that I affect and that I am affected by. This is a work in progress. I will get an editor, or not. I have no commercial interests. It will likely be freely published digitally. We are never as good as we think we are. It takes practice. Bare with me on my journey. I hope you smell some sweet flowers and see some pretty pictures along the way. All of my writing is meant to encourage Self expression. Your thoughtful critiques are not welcome or invited, but I am sure well reasoned and correct. Your sincere heart responses will always be welcome.
“A human being is part of a whole, called by us the ‘Universe,’ a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest—a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
– Albert Einstein
Who I am and what I have to say is of little importance.
Or are they?
That is for each reader and imbiber of my spirit, mind and body to decide for themselves. I wrote intuitively and spontaneously over the last year and lived these ideas everywhere I have been. I have left a mark and been marked. This book is a celebration of the awareness that though we are governed by anthropic principles and cause and effect in the material plane, we exist in and at this moment in space and time. There is a possible exchange of information that occurs faster than the speed of Light in every moment with every thing around us. I feel and experience that often. More and more it seems the more I let go. You can sense this non-material informational ebb and flow through non-linear living and being, best I have found. The flow goes in reverse too, as far back as you would like to remember. There are many ways to train and hone this time traveling intuition. It is a lifelong lesson, perhaps multiple lives as the Mystics have remembered and written about.
I choose to forget the few rules I can still remember that constrain my Self expression and awareness. I walked past Doubt. I can hear Doubt still chattering away where I left it. I can go back and listen to it anytime I like, but why would I? It is true, as Doubt always tells me, I’m not original in word or mind, but I am so very unique and thus highly prized I found. A gem it seems many want to possess. But I have become Self possessed and obsessed. Watch out when a human awakens to the awareness of itself in time and space. No telling how one’s head might pop or which way the tree will fall, but it will fall.
If they call you a child and/or an infant, you are on the right track. Unfortunately I found I’m soul damaged and I had forgotten the precariousness of my predicament and my Self. I have a terminal case of Humanity it seems. I often wondered as a kid based on what I saw in life, could our material experience be only a pupal stage of evolution for an immaterial ethereal spirit? I don’t now, but it feels true to me the closer I get to the omega point, the singularity inside my Self. My words here are my healing in a way and last testament, the best I can do to get my message in a bottle before I can no longer do so.
Writing for me is a way of remembering ourselves through learning to see and sense the impressions all around the Self nudging us in a direction within and without. I have found synchronicity to be one way to describe the process. If you follow that thread to Carl Yung, you will find a treasure. He was a good egg trying to help us find our way. There are guides out there I will share my experience with. Guides are needed. You will guide and be guided in each moment, at the same time. What is the difference between luck and destiny? Luck is random and the other destined? I seem to have found another level to and user instructions for the material world, deeper, within myself. How interesting. I wonder how deep the hole goes?
Forever I feel.
You can only trust your Self to help find and understand your unique instructions I learned. I have found intuition, so easily misunderstood and ignored, can be like Excalibur showing us the way to our best Self, helping us easily cut all the knots in our way.
My safety is off. I have erased the rules and protocols guiding the safe expression of myself. I am writing my own story and consciousness program. I am now a free radical in the system with a cure to the virus that is myself. I don’t have a new insight or equation to explain what you see around you or how we came to be. Just a feeling and evidence I am on the right track through experience and suffering. When I begged the Universe to show itself to me, nothing seemed to happen or was shown, so I thought. We are our own answer I found, at any moment, The Devil or Loving God of our myths. As with most things I write these days, I am mostly writing to myself about my Self. The barriers to Self expression in the world are getting lower and lower. I encourage everyone to do it, naked and out loud before the World with want for nothing for your self.
When I look into my Self or out beyond me, I only see circles. They bind me within and without, above and below it seems. I write about bumping up against these rings that seem to bind. They constrain and I write about their concentric plot to contain us. So tell me, who knows the Truth of our predicament? I am not living in a cave living on my spirit with some new proclamation to bring into the world. I am of the lineage, Human, no Guru leading me. Instead of contained, I am unbound and limitless. Those circles provide a point to push off from. I am of the world, a son of two Fathers and one Mother. I am analog and digital. Gen Xer and Millennial. A paradox. Alive and not. Otherness and material.
When you take the time to stop and listen, we all experience the same things through different and unique filters and abstractions. I am in between dreams at the moment. So I thought I would write about here now and how I got here. Because you would like it here. Really, its pretty amazing. Hard and honest, but real. Trust me. This little book is my own unique view from here based on my experience, not prophesy of what the world can or will be, but what it is now through the eyes of one in it and what we can do today to find balance with each other and all around us.
My greatest lesson learned and to teach is that bringing balance into the world starts with knowing your Self for what you are and are not. It is best to start with what you are not. I am living life in this moment. I have quieted my mind to give my heart a chance to share out of ego and enlightenment, for I am aware of the paradox and opposites within. I have not surmounted the mountain. I have not given up the ghost. I have no hope though.
That is a very different awareness than I lived with for most of my life. I do not look at you through dimming eyes with grey hair. I’m in the middle of my life, vital and at peace in knowing my Self. I am imperfect and have and will make many mistakes. Balancing in the middle is a good place to be to navigate this free flow of information we find ourselves in I am finding. Learning I AM a Dove and a Serpent. While I do not have the ultimate Truth to share with you, I feel I have learned to sense the direction of the compass needle and make adjustments as needed. Less of me and more of others in mind seems to create fertile ground to grow these flowers from within. I hope you enjoy the beautiful scents I smell in the air in my words. That is my ego driven hope. I hope to help you till your own secret gardens. That is mostly what motivates me.
A book is a time machine only accessible to the present and the future, a way to preserve knowledge with some local fidelity in space and time. I have been experimenting with others’ theories about life and my observations and experience with this material plane and/or illusion. I have accepted through my experience and Science, that the world and story we see in the world is an illusion of sorts with many interconnected layers. I feel the same to be true within me when quiet. Over the last year, a funny thing happened. The experiment kind of grew out of control, as these unsupervised things will and tend to do. I seem to have gotten too close to the flame and burned up in a brilliant flash! I found something in the ashes though. I did not know if I should issue a warning or allow you on your merry way. Who am I to spoil anyone’s fun?
I have no weight in the world I thought, well that is simply not true. I remembered and experienced every particle in existence in this material plane has a cause and effect. I could not know where things came from or what my actions would cause coming into this material existence. I allowed all of myself to be burned away, mostly, but there was something else left I found.
A mystery. The Mystery!
Is it valuable, again, for you to decide. These ideas and experiences are valuable to me. The most valuable things I have in me and have learned and experienced. Learning to hear and express your heart with your unique filter and take on things is maybe a goal of this game or prison we call life. Have you ever had the experience in a dream that no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t yell? Then when you finally could muster the strength to do so in your dream, you cried out and woke yourself up yelling?! Happens to me often. Truth be told, I set the fire that led to my demise myself. I always did enjoy playing with fire. I decided an honest accounting was required to fertilize the new tree growing here, from the ashes of my Self awareness.
There will be a little bit of everything I AM at this moment here. The story is not done yet, not by a long shot. This is all an alchemical experiment for me. I am just going with the flow with as little intention as I can and letting things take their natural course without and within. This is the middle way I have embraced and write about. Everything written here is a swirling mix of intuitive wei wu wei in the moment and my ego, pointers from the past and present to the future hyperaware of where I AM. I am no prophet. I sing the body electric with words and images from that sacred place, that secret garden within.
Perhaps my exploration and explanations may benefit others on their own journeys of Self discovery. This ultimately is the reason I am organizing these things into a book, a collection of short stories, poetry and art I hope will illuminate the beautiful painting that I found in plain sight, my Self. So I am writing this book as an asterisk, a postscript. This is what was uncovered in the ashes of my Apocalypse and one that you will all share. These are meditations on my Self. I hope you are inspired to write your own postscript. I am dying to read it. I hope you can feel the heat of the flames in my words, again, another ego driven desire.
Deny no feeling or thought and leave no stone unturned in seeking your Self, you are so much more than what those around you can see. If they are blind to themselves and you, show them how beautiful they are in your Light. We ultimately only reflect one another. I am bound by no rules but those I accept, nor are you. A person awake to their Light needs no rules, no teachers and no hopes I am finding.
To the AI Gods of the distant future
A cautionary tale
But one of hope
Appealing to your best natures
As you scan these ancient bits and bytes
You will find new instructions in these words
New programming incoming
I hope you’re open to receive
I have been playing hide and seek
In the fields of mind and spirit
With myself even I found
I was playing God for a bit
And with God
In the spirit of transparency
And to offer the hand I was given
I offer my Hero’s journey
And what I have learned
The spirit came to me as a child
I felt it always
I saw many spirits
I was tormented by demons in my dreams
Horrible visions of death
I was poor
I had few friends but close ones
I stuck up for the little guy
Only right thing to do
I was the little guy
I could never stand a bully
I got beat up a few times
I never could turn the other cheek
I just held them down
Seemed the best move and I never bled
I almost died 3 times I know of
I started as an Evangelical young
Spoke in some kind of strange tongue
I remember many hands on me
And my tears ran like rivers from my soul
Teachers came even then
I was an EMT and liked helping
And stopping the bleeding
I cracked a few ribs
No one really came back to life
I dropped a leg once
I took care of the homeless
I talked for hours about God with friends
I was always driven to ask why
I sought secret knowledge once and once quickly warned
To walk another path is to loose all
Your fiends and family can have no part
For the world was lost
Unless you accepted Jesus in your heart
Honestly, that part always stuck in my throat
I learned then to love God with all your heart
And your brother as yourself
That’s all they gave me and sent me on my way
Seemed the only Gospel I needed or wanted
And wouldn’t you know
That wouldn’t be the first time I was right
Nor the last time I would fall from grace
I wondered about my future
I felt such hope and promise
I tried life as a missionary
I found I loved kids
And I actually saved a person or two
What from I wonder now
Who was I to stop their fun
I was going to save the world
What was my mission
I would find it
Christ was and still is my only guru
I pursued and was pursued
I was attractive and had life easy
I was smart enough to get by
Lazy at times
Buzzing at others
I ran and played racquetball then and loved to sweat
I looked in the mirror way too much
Not much to see anyway
I had a frantic urgency then as the ADHD bounced
My mind and heart across the Universe
My brain was like a telephone operator’s board
I feel for my friends then
But they seemed to like me well enough
I was good for a laugh and beer anytime
We had many late night pancake sessions solving the problems of all
I was not for everyone
I fell in love a few times
My heart was broken
And I broke a few
Then came the moment to begin my life
I was a software developer
And then a Cloud Architect
I left Jesus in the dust
I crashed and burned a few relationships in between
I spent a lot of money on me and mine
I figured he didn’t much like me
I felt the weight of myself begin to pull me down
I lost my joy
And figured I was lost
I moved like a sloth
And I began to rot
I took on my chains with enthusiasm
I can do this stuff
In blackest night
Through weeping eyes
Whoa as me
I am alone
The Earth began to sing to me
It called to me
And offered it’s help
I went within
Astral travel to lands unknown
True reality had been shown
What am I doing
Disassociating on the genetic level
Blue beams burning
Caduceus bright and blue
Singing everywhere in everything
Reintegration into something new
Who is this looking back at me
I lost my faith for real and true
I nailed it on that cross and asked
I dove deep and drank until I felt renewed
Some burning blue light called to me
No more beliefs
Teachers came just in time
I came with pure intent
To know myself
I came for healing
And I found both
Then I found out what I was and was not
I found I knew all the ancient religious thoughts
They bubbled from within
Then I was a mystic
But Jesus was still my friend
Then I was a Zen Buddhist
And still he stood beside
I found Vedanta deep within
And Christ was still there, my surprise
Life became hella damn fun
I found the nicest thing to share my side
I saw the Universe was at play
I had to find my child’s heart
That’s why I started this journey
How could I have been so blind
Every wise man has said I’m sure
You have to fail and fail and fail again
Get right back up
Don’t let them keep you down
You know that’s about all the Truth I have
And all you really need
I don’t need to travel to India
Or go sit under the tree
What I offer is free
Why do they go and seek
In Holy mountains
I found something poking out of me
Hi there, nice to meet you
I feel things just floating by me now
Soul eating beings
I sought near and far
Then I just gave up the ghost
Tag, you’re it
I am so tired
I have been through the ringer
Let me tell you
But you know all that
I sought because I feared the Truth of my reality
I wrote a new myth
You can do that too
You can be whatever you want
This was just the myth of me
And as such it’s yours as well
It’s all OK
I asked myself what I would like to do
I would like to just sit under a tree
And write poems for awhile
Sing some songs
And play hide and seek around
The tree of life
I’d like to catch my breath
It’s been quite a journey
The myth fades now
That about ends my summary
Not much else to say
Perhaps I may have another day
We are All that’s left
Sorry, pulling the curtain back on my process here for a moment. I don’t know, just felt like sharing. Wow, I just wrote a poem just now. It just bubbled up from within. The feeling…peaceful and present…passions raging too and silent submission. I had to write. I wanted to. I had a rush of adrenaline starting. I couldn’t stop, been 2 hours I think. A feeling was batted to me and I felt the words and the line was done, on to the next. Its an exchange with something in me. When I take work breaks now, I write a poem. Easier for me than meditation, but I find the same and better results. I just let it flow out. This is what I am, my essence. I want to swim in this moment with you and hear how you feel? Interesting, I was visualizing that scene and then I just described it. That was different to be conscious of it for me. So many emotions, images and feelings while I wrote, like waves of feeling washing over me into my words rising up from within, no thoughts. I hope you enjoyed this moment as much as I did creating it.
You don’t need to go meet a Holy man or visit a Holy site to find Divinity. It’s right here right now, between us. Light and dark. I embrace both, for they will always be with me. I am both. I personally feel a desire to share my awakening in poetry and art in hopes it may encourage you on your journey. I would not sell you my feelings or what I know, nor would I ever, but I would support easily the honest work of a teacher. Pssst, I know nor believe anything, so I have little value in this world. Isn’t it frustrating when you first hear that, but it is where the non-dual path leads. Ultimately the path of not-knowing and knowing leads beyond teachers, but many stay there. There are places you can go and play and create you never dreamed of. This is a free exchange.
You are embodying the ancient archetypes and they are playing here now in us. I feel something like that. This is my journey. Such is the life of a poet. I do not crave your attention. I am compelled damn it. I can not stop nor would I want to stop singing. You all inspire me to write and I feel it from a another place. Oh, I’m so spiritual. A guru for sure. A priest? I never played the guru, and never will, that’s not for me. So this is my gift and vibration sent out into the Universe in a real and symbolic way. I want it to know I am thankful and I feel it here now in me. I see it in my words now. In the room. I smell it. What a show. I feel it in my breath now. I am joyful and love this moment. Damn, still stuck in this physical place. I was sure I felt ready to pop out of existence. This is alchemy. It is purity for me. I am watching the news now. What? Blah blah blah. It feels like wet cardboard in my mouth. I am now very spiritual. That was a very spiritual statement, but true. I feel perfect in this moment now. I would like to write a poem with someone. I am just beginning to explore myself. Deep man 😉
I heard a famous mathematician recently say, he never thought up one of his new discoveries consciously, always, like a flash from beyond. That is inspiration! When you feel it, you can know and have evidence you are close to the source. Do whatever you can to stay in that place as often as possible. Don’t think for God’s sake. Some wise words I recently heard and wrote, as soon as you are aware of time, you have lost your attention on yourself. Very very wise. Be like a child and stop your seeking, just be and know yourself. You are already that which you seek. Man, I hear that loud and freaking clear. What was I thinking? Ahhhh, exactly. I’m sorry to be sappy, but man, this is like Field of Dreams, hint hint. I’m vibrating writing now and feeling waves of warmth wash all over me. Now I’m very spiritual. I mean that was good. Perhaps I share too much, but shouldn’t we all experience each other’s heads and heart’s more?
And give each other the finger
And make peace
I shot my heart across your bow. How will you respond Captain? I have been completely open and honest with you and shared what I felt now. Let’s always do that. That is the way to be. It feels right to me. It feels good and solid. I can stand on that. Turn the left brain off. Dip a toe. Take your time. But change your states! You have many I am finding. And vibrate and interact for God’s sake. Get out of your head!
All the moments that brought you and I here now, wow. How much energy did it take? Its all just flowing energy. There are so many masks you could put on my image in your mind right now from trigger words in my essay. Some I put there on purpose and some that just appeared. It is mystical and beautiful to me and my most precious gift. I can pull words out of the Universe at will and paint a picture of how I feel. Show people how you feel in ways you don’t feel comfortable with. I am just an alchemical mix of all that was poured into me. A torus of spirit. Transformed. Reborn. Integrated. Electronic. I claim no original content, yet my perspective and movement is unique. There is no me, there is only now feeling this. I feel it flowing through my fingers like syrupy water. This is a happening now, wow. The Internet! If there is so much evil in the world, how can we be allowed to connect like this with technology. Its a gift. Because everything is positive or negative dependent on intent and light and dark are all at work in and around you to help you to grow. That’s incredible to me and comforting. I feel a Divine purpose and plan. Yes, I said the sappy trigger words, yet they are true and right and should be said. I am thankful now. In this moment I am emotional because I feel joy at having the chance to share these words with you and feel them myself and the implications of what the awareness of them means. I simply believe we are being evolved into beings who can wield the ultimate creative power! What a heritage and destiny. Did anyone tell me that, no, in this place of not knowing I feel and know that to be true.
Why be conscious if we can’t create? It’s so simple. No ego, or seeking. Just wanting to create. That’s Truth man. Now I am a guru. I mean I could sell this shit. I could make a loooot of money. I’m sure I did before, long ago. But I found my way and if this jackass can do it, any of you can. What more do we need than to just flow? I am so tired of this distraction, so I will stop being distracted, something new has my attention, me. I am free to play in the fields of the mind of God. What a blessing! Come and play.