It’s coming up on a year anniversary for this blog. It was my first real blogging effort and it was an experiment. I wrote to my self. I began writing poetry. I didn’t set the world on fire, but I let some of the fire and Light in me out into the big wide world. That’s progress if you ask me. Progress towards what?
That is the continuing question.
I was driven and wrote everything spontaneously for the most part. I was exploring. I left breadcrumbs if others were curious to sample the things I tasted. It was hard to be so exposed and also the most freeing thing I have ever done. I was sparked into these acts of anarchy and self mutilation/liberation through things and by forces beyond myself I barely understand. I personally can not deny the leading caring hand of synchronicity in my life. I take little credit, other than learning to listen. I take a lot of comfort knowing there are things beyond myself that obviously want good for us and send us Love I feel in the form of Light. To me, this is Divinity. That’s another essay.
My spiritual journey is intense, erratic and eclectic. There is no jackpot at the end I’m angling for. In all my seeking and knowledge gained and tasted, the only Truth was found in the living of life artfully and creatively in the moment in Love. I can’t give you a map to joy, but I’m Joyful. I lost my fear of all but the One, my self. I tell myself the lies I want to believe. To sift through the lies about ourselves is hard work, but it must be done. You are the only one holding your self back from the Truth.
Based on my writings, you may want to stay far away from my thoughts and experience. I’m warning you, tangle with the depths of your heart and seek true reality in love and you will become ensnared, in the way you were meant to be, by your own heart.
An all consuming fire will ignite at your feet and you will BURN!
You will dissolve into something much bigger than yourself. You will become a creator and you will leave everything better than you found it. You will give more than you take and you will find limitless capacity within yourself and infinite beauty in all things. You will master your desires and mind.
I would take no one’s word about anything. I would turn over every rock and then consider what I found based on my experience. I was changed over this year, cracked open. Begin this journey immediately if you hear the song, go find the Truth about your Self. This is all just between you and your Self in the end I am finding.
It has been one hell of a year for me personally, not just creatively and spiritually. I found a love I never thought possible with my flame twin. I have struggled with my health more so this year than ever, but ironically found more balance inside than ever before. I have been greatly humbled. Recently, I was made aware that there was still this ‘Me’ trying to find the right side of the illusion, Maya, to live in. The Holy ‘Me’, the Sparatual ‘Me’, The Enightened One is still trying and striving. This is the time of the Hanged Man’s ascension. And there is only one way to go from here, up up up. I asked what was real and who was speaking to me in life? What was this new song I was hearing?
I began to see and learn what I was and what I was involved in. Is this enlightenment? Who knows or cares! I found a Way to hear and experience the Universe like never before.
I began to understand the interpersonal nature of reality underneath time and space. I experienced it. I was That. Walls evaporated. The signs of our evolution and fear are everywhere. The coming generations are more open than the former ones. The end of greed and profit at the expense of others one way or another is coming. I yielded to my right brain intuition for a year. Things turned out well, though not completely linear or predictable. From my view here I can offer you only the following to find your way.
When in doubt, go with the flow and act naturally!
Don’t waste energy throwing yourself against closed doors. Don’t wait. Do things now that need to be done with and for the ones with you. Live life in the moment and let the future unfold.
I’ll leave you with some meditations to challenge you to just chill. Remember things and people will take care of themselves. Just go with the flow and take responsibility and be mindful in every moment of your own actions and reactions. Don’t just consider your own needs, but the needs of all around you. Live your Truth radically and foolishly. Let everyone see what you are. Show your naughty hidden bits. Hide and hold nothing back.
You got this.
Adyashanti wrote: “Yes, we go to this timeless background of consciousness and awareness. Absolutely. Very liberating isn’t it? Very, very freeing; very profound and very beautiful.
And yet, if taken in and of itself, we’ve just switched sides of illusion. We’ve gone from form and time, to formlessness and timelessness, and we say: ‘Well, this one’s more true,’ because it’s more comfortable, it feels better, basically.
But the truth is only when these two collapse together – that this world of form IS the timeless, so what we call form is emptiness, it is consciousness, that’s what it is. Then, there’s no stance anymore, is there? There is no sense of ‘I have to remain as awareness’. We only have to remain as awareness if we don’t really know that this wall is awareness, that your car is awareness – once we know that, then we’re finally free, are we not?”
Aisha Salem wrote: “Taking responsibility comes down to that loyalty to listening, to actually dare to let that happen which is supposed to happen. That is not to say that everything is laid out, because in every moment we have the choice of love over fear, of truth over the lie. The moment that we choose truth, then walking strongly in that truth becomes our radicality.”
David Foster Wallace wrote: “The capital T-Truth is about life BEFORE death. It is about the value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over…This is water…This is water. It is unimaginably hard to stay awake in the world today.”
What stuff are you
Dirt and spittle
And to dirt
Part of you
You will go
With the power
Of a billion
Into a Light
It takes all
To take my
Next step now
My feet feel like
The heaviest stuff in
Raise a toe now
I’m sleepy now
I’m just going
To take a nap
We are dirt
We are stardust
But we are
Not burned out
We have the Light
Of a billion suns
Know thy Self
I titled my meditation today with some powerful words from Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. These words were spoken by the lone hermit Ely to the man and his boy on the dark grey road to nowhere in a dead world. These words will wreck you as you let their meaning insinuate into your consciousness. If you are a student of yourself, you need to read The Road. The movie wasn’t bad either. It looked exactly as it felt to me in the book. If you have seen The Revenant, the movies are very similar in tone and esoteric meaning. I’m going to write more about the story behind The Revenant later. It is very personal and magickal for me.
Anyway, I have been reading Native American mythology recently so themes of Apocalypse, God, Spirit, Prophecy and Rebirth are swishing around in my head and heart in an alchemical mix at the moment. Why would someone read about Native American prophesies? There is a thread that led me there. It led me to some interesting folks waiting for an Eschaton to destroy the world, aliens of the grey kind, through my own experience with the Apocalypse through the Evangelical religion/cult of my Mother and finally it led me to my true self who I found laughing at me. All I can do now is go through the motions and write the burning words floating up from my soul, my confession I guess or last will and testament maybe. So, on with the confession.
My culture brought the Native American’s judgement and Apocalypse in a way. Our entire culture is built on the ashes of theirs. If any American feels that pride sticking in their throats, that’s why, whether they are aware of it or not. I came across these haunting words in my title today, There is no God and We are his Prophets, as I meditated on my own internal Apocalypse and Apotheosis I have been exploring recently. That is not an end of myself, but an uncovering to the ultimate awareness and expression of myself. That sounds mystical, well, it is. Also, The Apocalypse seems to be coming at me from every input channel these days. That’s what they call a synchronicity. You don’t ignore those. I don’t anyway, not anymore. In a way I am a child of the Apocalypse. Let me explain.
As long as I can remember someone was predicting the end of the world. It is amazing actually when I stopped and thought about it. I was born in 1972 and when I was a boy I remember Walter Cronkite on CBS News talking about the long gas lines and energy crisis every night it seemed or US hostages in Iran. We had acid rain, floods, eroding ozone layer, growth of terrorism into adolescence and the terrible liberals to fear. Reagan came and saved us. Oh and I can’t forget the nuclear bombs flying over our heads and waiting in the ground to unleash Armageddon. The world I grew up in helped to foster a bitter angst and skepticism in me I carried into young adulthood unaware. A ticking time bomb of doubt. I gather now that was more by design than accident. On top of all that my Mother went and got Saved and dragged us all with her. I’ll spare you the details, insert your own inauthentic religious forced experience -> here.
The Christian Apocalypse literalness, as presented to the common Evangelical today as infallible, is laughable. I laugh, ha! All you need to do is consider the source of this doom and gloom and their gold plated fruit, no more to say about it. The metaphorical Apocalypse of the true self and uncovering of our Divinity has been co-opted by a cult and dangerous fairytale! Those are fighting words, so I better back away. Any person who spends a day in this world knows the norm is change, in every Planck unit of time it is a new Universe. It is fear that seeks to build a hedge between yourself and an unknown future. Do not look for an absolute, for that is like putting your foot on shifting sand. There is no bedrock to put your foot on in this decaying material Universe.
Logically to me, the answer, if there was one I often thought, would be found beneath the myths that were presented. I didn’t have a map to that place though, so I was no better off than the rest of the dreaming world. But there was some voice inside of me, some force, that took this opening in my thinking and began to work on it slowly over 2 decades. It just always felt like the right way to look at these things to me. Intuition I have found becomes your greatest guide and friend the more you learn to hear and trust it. What is literal in a world of myth? And that was my only point ever to those around me sharing the delusion we were under, I always felt it was important to think about the things beneath these things in this old book and look beneath the ideas and see the archetypes. Who wrote them? Why? It was at the end of religion and recognition of common archetypes across all religions, myth and culture that led me to an esoteric occult secret about myself. One that I knew I would find.
One I was destined to find it seems.
So today, researching the recurring theme of Apocalypse in my life, I was thinking about the boy from The Road and how often I feel myself walking like him on in a gray dead world that does not know it is dead yet. I found an essay suggesting a correlation between the boy’s father in the book and Virgil from Dante’s Inferno. Virgil could take you through your past and illuminate purgatory, but only we can climb that fiery stairway to Heaven. As Elijah did in that old book. The boy in the story represents the last child God born from the ashes of the old world maybe. A Messiah? The boy asks if there are other people and his father says no. Not anywhere, the boy asks? Maybe somewhere else, the boy says. Does the father live only to keep the boy’s hope alive? Why keep walking? That is the question, isn’t it? I will not spoil it and I am not sure I have a satisfactory answer yet anyway why they still kept walking in that dead world. I think it was partially driven by that unspoken intuition that drives us as a Light in the darkest storm from deep within and because humans have that unique sense of the future and hope keeps you warm in the cold. Better to hope than have none maybe in the end, as many wise sages seem to have said.
That sounds very depressing and shady, doesn’t it? I’m sorry, right now, as I look out the window though, it is beautiful actually. The Diablo mountain range is covered in a fresh coat of pastoral California green against a clear blue sky. The rains have come and gone and left us many gifts. For me I only see unicorns and rainbows now when I think of the Apocalypse. All myth is being washed away from me layer by layer. When I let all the myth of all creeds go and ask myself about the future, I feel a real burning hope and joy. There is no reason for it or specific message. My hope is just a Light burning inside me. I have no use for any other person’s version of reality. I know myself, here, now. What else can I offer you, but my view from here? I found something in myself I could never have dreamed of. That was mystical. I am only beginning to plumb the depths of myself. I invite you to shed your myths and stories. Shed your illusions and dreams about yourself and see what is left.
There is a New Age at hand I believe and I chose to and will play an active hand in bringing it into being with my Light, however it chooses to shine in this world. It is beautiful to me that when I asked myself about what I AM I could only respond with poems and pictures. The future must be one where we learn to live in balance, so we have to learn to do that today and now. It began and will continue with individuals learning to love themselves first. In this New Age suffering will be seen for the illusion it is, created by our own desire for ourselves. We will and can find Heaven here now. Is that a place of rest? Rest from what? Suffering? Whose? Work? For what did you work? If no one is here suffering or working, who needs to rest? Maybe Heaven is being fully connected in this life, now, because now is all we have. Can you live with now being enough for you? If you can, you will find balance.
The flames are licking up the knotted tree
So close now I can feel blue blood igniting
A gentle wind blows from the sacred place
We walked and talked of life and love
Love is born in the quiet place
It burns so hot it consumes all it touches
I can’t help but press on into the dark place
What is there looking back at me
Into that raging blue fire I shoot my heart
Awaiting nothing to return
The Phoenix rises from the ashes of my doubt
The holy fires burn in distant stars
Here it comes