The Hard Fucking Work of Living with the Pain and Fear of this Life

Last night had the craziest dream about a gravitational anomaly eating a hole through the earth.

It was depressing and scary.

I kept trying to get further away from the anomaly but the water kept coming and then I was in this giant whirlpool that was spitting the earth into space.

So damn real.

My fear woke me up, I wanted out of that fucking dream.

I heard the ocean waves on my sound machine when I woke up and the central heater was running and I felt like there might be an ocean outside the window.

Sounded like it.

It turned out a military project triggered the event in my dream.

The mind is just amazing.

Since I stopped smoking pot I can remember my dreams incredibly vivid now.

I never thought I’d stop smoking pot, but I stopped drinking and smoking a bit ago and I can tell a big positive difference.

Switched to a vegan diet, started exercising more.

Feeling good, clear.

Got my shovel out and started shoveling the shit, put my back into it.

I was letting my body go.

But my heart and body brought me back.

I’m going to volunteer at hospice I think.

I have a knack helping people let go of their fear.

Maybe I can be of a little service to some before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

I’m 50 now and feel like I’ve lived four different lives.

Maybe I’ll read them poetry and shit like that.

Been working on my writing, can’t say it’s getting much better, but I’m keeping at it.

For I have found the best in life is incommunicable.

How bout that?!

Been writing about the folks I’ve come to know and love through their art, but want to know them deeper.

I want to know their pain and joy. Ralph Waldo Emerson has some good shit to say about that. He says know that all in history thought and felt as you did.

I’ve been digging deeper everywhere and have to say I’ve never felt more alive, focused, productive, calm, in love.

Had a surreal day on Saturday.

Very existential, was just accepting of the whole damn mess of this beautiful life.

Had some serenity I guess.

It was nice.

Had some fun and not so fun interactions with some folks on Reddit and FB.

Peeps are angry.

They don’t like their lives.

Downright miserable.

I like to swim out into the deep water with people.

Can’t say I’m very patient with misery.

Fuck that shit.

Recently even stopped fighting with my wife so much.

I love the girl, she’s crazy about my ole smelly 🐐 ass.

Been talking to my Brother more who I’ve never really talked much with

Been really nice to bond over our pedophile father and insanely religious family, haha.

What a fucked up family we got, let me tell you.

The brother of my sister’s husband killed himself.

Found out that fuck molested my niece years ago.

Found out my dad molested her too.

I hope it hurt when he died.

It’s tough not to wish my dad the pain he inflicted on others.

But I can’t judge anyone.

I never hurt a child, but I inflicted plenty of pain.

God only knows how many people my asshole Father hurt.

One reason my sister, mom and niece turned to Jesus.

The only man who wouldn’t hurt them they dream.

That is what makes them so mad at me.

Cause I turned my back on their savior.

I dared to kill my god.

But I tried to tell them, Jesus met me as a brother and friend, not god.

You can’t love your neighbor until you love the worst of you and the worst you find in life.

They can’t hear me at all.

I’m over their shit, I’ll tell ya.

Heartless bitches, but they are just in great pain.

Unbearable pain almost.

Almost killed my niece before she sobered up.

They hate me more than my puke dad.

How fucking ironic is that shit?!

My brother doesn’t understand it.

I kinda do.

I think I’m gonna write a bit more about my father and my old religion and those bitches.

I remember when he got his belt out and beat us the other day.

He must have hated himself.

He took it out on us.

Probably partially what made me such an angry asshole I guess.

It’s good when you know that fucking child disease is not in you.

My brother and I been going deep together.

We share these inner depth sounding experiences.

I feel like a big brother now.

I feel like a husband.

I feel like a friend.

Took me awhile to hit my stride, but I fucking did.

No, I’m not going to leave my marriage again like I did in the past.

I don’t quit shit anymore.

I follow through.

I won’t give up until I’m dead.

I wasted enough time in my life.

If I had known Plato and Socrates and Diogenes, I would have just had a beer with them and talked about the shit in life we all have to bear.

One thing I can say all us humans have in common, we feel this shit.


All these people in prison, destroyed children, terrified and hardened.

It hurts a lot.

One thing I have is some fucking deep emotions.

I’m very close to them now.

Not letting that pain twist us into monsters is the great work and art of living and dying.

Transmuting the shit of life into gold is godly I find.

I dunno, guess I worked my shit out.

But there is always more shit to shovel.

I’ll get back to it.

September 21st

Do you remember, 21st night of September?
Love was changing the mind of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away
Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing
As we danced in the night
How the stars stole the night away, oh yeahHey, hey, hey
Ba-dee-ya, say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya, dancing in September
Ba-dee-ya, never was a cloudy dayBa-du, ba-du, ba-du, ba-duBa-du, ba-du, ba-du, ba-du
Ba-du, ba-du, ba-du-da, yeahMy thoughts are with youHolding hands with your heart to see you
Only blue talk and love
How we knew love was here to stay
Now December
Found the love we shared in September
Only blue talk and love
True love we share todayHey, hey, hey
Ba-dee-ya, say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya, dancing in September
Ba-dee-ya, never was a cloudy day
There was a
Ba-dee-ya, say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya, dancing in September
Ba-dee-ya, golden dreams were shiny daysThe bell was ringing, oh, oh
Our souls was singing
Do you remember, never a cloudy day, yowThere was a
Ba-dee-ya, say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya, dancing in September
Ba-dee-ya, never was a cloudy day
There was aBa-dee-ya, say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya, dancing in September
Ba-dee-ya, golden dreams were shiny daysBa-dee-ya, dee-ya, dee-ya
Ba-dee-ya, dee-ya, dee-ya
Ba-dee-ya, dee-ya, dee-ya, dee-ya
Ba-dee-ya, dee-ya, dee-ya
Ba-dee-ya, dee-ya, dee-ya
Ba-dee-ya, dee-ya, dee-ya, dee-ya

We may think we are done with love, but love ain’t done with us.

I AM a Human Being

Not that anyone asked or needs to know, but know who you are reading.

A human being.

“I will govern my life and thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one and read the other, for what does it signify to make anything a secret to my neighbor, when to God, who is the searcher of our hearts, all our privacies are open?”

—Seneca the Younger

I am no nihilist.

I am no atheist.

I am no agnostic.

I am no believer.

I am no mystic.

I am no Angel.

I am no spy.

I am no Demon.

I am a human being.

I move swiftly, like 💨 and 🔥

Seneca the Younger spoke against the folk religion of the common people. But he had a deep sense of the invisible mover of our Will, God. Choose your name. Let us call it the original human religion.

I do not deny the invisible hand in my life, truly, I credit it with creating my will and body. I do not preach about this god. I reflect on the beauty of it in my life. I cannot teach this god. I cannot reveal this god to you. I cannot name it, nor do I claim it. Nor do I feel myself more special than any other. But I know this as I know my breath. Both mysterious in a way and profoundly beautiful. I am not so arrogant to imagine myself god’s special creation. This is all special and wonderful and beautiful and the ugly is beautiful too in a way. God itself can correct me through my clear burning Will, but no human could.

To know your Will, is to know the face of God.

I practice the first and only true religion.

It has no prophecies.

It has no priests or priestesses.

Zeus himself showed me.

Being a Human Being.

A Real Man Loves His Mother

I can be pissed at things

It comes and goes

I can rage at the lie

I scream 😱

I cry 😭

I laugh 😂

I shout with joy

I wonder why

But then the sky opens

And my mother says

This is the best I could do

Forgive me

I love you

Ashes of Love

flame casts no shadow
all can be seen by its light
source consumed
light and heat radiate
toss it all on
enjoy your feast dancing fairies
oh how they dance before me
over me and through me
captured in their beauty
i willingly give myself to
those dancing crimson flames
light and heat consume
love knows
no limits
no flesh
no fear
nothing can stop its dance
you can find me there
a pile of ashes in the corner

Moments with Beulah

momentswithbeaulaIt’s been 6 years now since you passed
How you loved your stories and TV lives
And your living room filled with pirate’s booty
I am your oldest grandson
A nexus of generations

I hear you in the kitchen calling Sue
I see you buttering that awful white bread
With that killer spread
I remember your red cups

Those moments on the pier
Telling me, “Watch your pole now!”
Laughing at the smelly fish and shrimp
They always got away
I was not born for that

I loved your soft Tennessee drawl


I used to love to watch you play
How could you juggle all those cards so well

I remember the smell of the pines and tar
All those cigarettes, phew
As we pulled into the drive
Of your little cinder block house
My stomach jumped for Joy
It was always a mansion to me
And you were the fair lady of the tower
My protector
I wish I had not slipped away in the buzz of life
I wish I had remembered you on the important days
I live a life of Love and Light now
I have put childish things away
I promise to live with no regret
And burn brighter than the sun

I promise to always keep you in my heart
I will watch out for them
And help when I can
I’m pouring this one for you
And wishing your beloved Cowboys
Victory at last

Be at peace with Jim
I know you found each other again
In that cold place
And filled it with your love and warm embrace
Free from the chains of life
I look forward to one day joining you in
The Light

But not yet
I have a thing or two to do
I learned no one is promised tomorrow
So in this moment now I reflect best what I
Learned through your humble life
And know I feel you in the beat of my heart
Thank you for hands at my back


You are loved Beulah

Standing Beside You

I wrote this for a friend in hard times. Be well T!

You are a painted masterpiece
Your splendor shines from you
Be connected to calm things
And places you love
Walk old joyful times past
I met you on the road to destiny
I feel your pain
Let my words wash over you
And I will snatch it from you
Lay it on other’s shoulders who can bare it
I stand beside you and whisper
You are Loved

Sacred Economics

We are at the end of growth

The end of the age of self

This is the end of possession

The ancients laugh at our blindness

Money consumes all

Greed rules the day

We think
We desire
We covet
We suffer
We hate
We kill

Why should we survive

Our human struggles pollute us

We long to be free from distraction

We need a new currency

We must learn to give and love

Heaven waits

You can only enter at the end of desire and yourself

Embrace the end of this selfish dying world

Measure all knowledge against a giving heart

Who can give more than All

Who can find freedom

Learn to Love

Love yourself
Love the Earth
Love each other
Love the Universe

Live for All

Only the truly intelligent learn to give

The Universe is a gift

To unlock it you must align

What truth do you have that can compare

You have nothing I want

I hold All in my hands and you know not

I am free and perfect in my peace

My Best Self

What is wrong with you?
I don’t understand.
It hurts so bad!
“You don’t know me!”
Who does?
“This is best.”
For you?
How could you do this to me?
“I hate myself and I am lost.”

His gaze has left me.
I am nothing but a hypocrite.
No better than an animal.
No one can make me happy?
Why will this heaviness not leave me?
I am a fake.


Mmmmmm, feels so good. What was I saying?
Oh yah, I’m a false person.
A Zombie.


That feels soooooo good. More please.

You think that feels good
We have a Universe of wonders to distract you

That sounds tempting.
I disgust myself.
I have no feeling.
Unquenchable hunger.
I only live for myself.
Everything tastes like BPA.
What am I?
What have I done?
I feel terrible.
I’m definitely going to hell.
Where is my faith?”
Who would look at me if they knew who and what I was?
I am nothing.


Who are you
Listen to me now, ENOUGH
You are beautiful
You are a fading flower
I have set creation in motion for you and many
You are only whole in me
Come back Come back
We feel your pain
We wonder how you can feel so separate, when you are whole in me even now
I will never stop pursuing
I will never waiver, or the Universe would snuff out
It takes a Divine concentration, I am focused
Christ, Buddha, Hindu, Muslim and many more are your true family
You are all part of the same genetic tree
All of life is entangled and intertwined
So much pain and anger
We are all tired, rest in me and lay your fears and hopes at my feet
I Love you, that means I will never stop trying to help you
Be your best and all of creation will align itself to assist you
Call on me and I will lift you up
There are infinite possibilities
Your wave form will collapse at the transition and what you are will be
These are mysterious and wonderful things
Cast yourself into the deep water and I will show you wonders
You will be changed in a twinkling of an eye
Everything to know is in you and if you follow that path you will find me at the end of the Universe

Please, no more, I can’t take anymore.
Turn it off.
I don’t want this.
I am not an illusion.
I can do this, let’s rally.
Wait wait wait, not again.
I yield.

Whoa! What was that! Something wicked this way comes.

What is this thing in my head and in my heart, my God!
It’s tendrils wrap through my soul into my bones and into my DNA.
This is not me. This is other.

And when your mind is lost to it’s siren call, you will fall asleep
For there is nothing but you and you are the most beautiful thing in the Universe

I feel sick.
I have the flu.
I can’t work.
What is wrong with me.
My head hurts.
Why can’t I stop crying.
I know this is what insanity must be, I’m losing it.
I don’t want to do this.
What have I done?
What am I saying?
Everyone can see.
Please, someone help me!

Time for some truth and it will strip you bare to your real self
A fire will fill your veins and you will not be able to contain it
It will join with others until all of creation is on fire with my Love
You have the chance to become your best self in me

Let it all BURN, BURN, BURN!
I’m on fire!
What is this, I’m still thinking!
I can feel everything!
I’m tired.
I think I’m just gonna sit here a while and collect my thoughts, but its getting pretty hot.

This is all as it should be
Don’t Panic
This is what you are
This is why you are in such pain
Let me take it from you
Let it go
It’s ok
See, gone
You see yourself in your dream and you longed to arise
The sleeper has awakened
I have written it into your DNA
Even now things are changing and rearranging
The possibilities are multiplying
Love WILL show you the way
Stay connected in truth and love
You are becoming

It seems so simple.


What now?

—Be still and wait—